I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
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