is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize