Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
