I wannas sexs uuuuu
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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