What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
