overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
