with your own penis?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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