The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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