Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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