Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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