I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
my sisters under your porch take her home
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
