I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
