nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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