question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
