Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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