How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
