So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
