When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
