sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
