Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
