I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize