my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
