We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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