i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
