new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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