We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
