Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
