I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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