When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
