i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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