Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
