the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
