Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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