I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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