he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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