Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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