I could have mohawked her pubes.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
