god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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