A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
