Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
