hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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