Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
