just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
