SEEEEXXX PLEASE
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
