FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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