I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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