I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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