Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
