I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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