Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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