Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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