dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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