i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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