dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
