My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
