i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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