I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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