If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
