Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize