I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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