I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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