dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
