had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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