fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
