i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize