I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
